The Man With the Golden Danish
by Majin Vegeta
Summary: This is my first Trigun ficcy, and it's a dowsy at that. I oughta warn ya about the motif..but you won't see it until you read the fic.


The Man With the Golden Danish  
By:Majin Vegeta  
  
Yeah so, I've been lacking in the non-MST humor fics lately, plus I recently got my grubby lil' paws on the awesome series Trigun and well....I thought I'd make a humor fic based on it. In the Majin tradition, it won't have much of a plot...and it will be very random. Whatever though, it should be interesting (I hope) none the less!  
  
Disclaimer:I don't own Trigun or anything that may closely resemble it. I also don't own anything worth more than one million dollars, which none of you care about.  
  
Note:This is non-canon, because canon would be boring. 'Nuf said.  
  
********  
  
A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. Oh wait, that's not right! Okay, let's try this one again. A not so long time ago in a galaxy that was really close to our own existed this cool desert planet where water was really valuable and stuff. Of course, I'm talking about the planet where Trigun takes place...but all of you already knew that! Why am I talking about this stuff?   
  
Vash:Hey! Are you gonna write this fic or what?  
  
Okay, okay, fine! So...imagine if you will, a small desert town that's exactly similar to most of the small desert towns in Trigun. Good job! Now picture a few little differences in said town, a few little things that just didn't belong. Yep, that's right, there was a big ol' Dunkin' Donuts right in the middle of the town! (Along with a few various other corporations, mind you.) That would be where our cast was. You wanna know why? Because I said so!  
  
::Now that the scene *finally* has been set, we can begin! Anyway, Vash had a big bag of donuts which he was eating happily, Milly and Meryl were ummm...drinking some mocha or something like that, and our friend Wolfwood was smoking...and getting a bad case of lung cancer in the process (naturally)::  
  
Vash: ::Stops eating for a second:: Hey! You can't smoke in here!  
  
Wolfwood:Then why do they have ashtrays, you idiot!  
  
Vash:Ummm...it's for scenery! But anyway, don't you know that smoking causes lung cancer and emphysema?  
  
Wolfwood:That's why there's a smoking section!  
  
Vash:But the smoke still goes in the air!  
  
Wolfwood:Oh well.  
  
Vash:What the hell kind of priest are you, anyway?!?!  
  
Milly: ::Finishes her coffee:: Yum, this is very good coffee! I wonder where it was made?  
  
Meryl:Probably far away from here...  
  
Milly: ::Looks at the cup:: It says it was made a billion iles away, and it also says they're not kidding!  
  
Meryl:It figures...  
  
Vash: ::Goes back to eating his donuts:: These donuts are *soooo* good!  
  
::Suddenly, a man wielding a large danish (yes, I said danish!) bursts into the store::Danish Wielding Man:I did it! I have created the world's largest danish! It cost me thirty thousand double dollars and three weeks to make, but I *DID* IT!!!  
  
Wolfwood:This isn't very normal, is it?  
  
Milly:No, it isn't priest-san! (Okay, so I don't know the Japanese word for priest and I'm too lazy to look it up, so *sue* me! Geez people!)  
  
Vash:Wow! That's a *big* danish! ::Using a cheesy 'superhero-ish' type of voice:: Don't worry man, I'll protect that danish from evil doers! ::Runs over to the Danish Wielding Dude in a quick blur::  
  
Meryl: ::Sweatdrops:: That, however, is way too normal...  
  
Danish Wielding Man:Who are you?  
  
Vash:My name is V...::Facefaults when he almost slips up by saying his name::   
  
Meryl: ::Quickly covers Vash:: He's Victor the errr...Redcoat!   
  
Vash ::Sweatdrops:: Errr yeah, that's me...Victor the Redcoat! And I'll protect that danish for you, sir!  
  
Danish Wielding Man:Oh reallllllly? Well, do you have what it takes to be an official Danish Guarding Master?  
  
Vash:A...ummm what?  
  
Danish Wielding Man:A Danish Guarding Master, the one who guards the mighty danish from bad guys and stuff! You know, like that Vash the Stampede character...the one with the sixty billion double dollars on his head or whatever.   
  
Vash: ::Sweatdrops:: Errr, yeah...okay. I can do that.   
  
And now for something completely different...  
  
Wolfwood: ::Blows some smoke in the air:: We're degenerating into Bakuretsu Hunters here... (Not that there is *anything* wrong with BH!)  
  
Milly:What are you talking about priest-san?Wolfwood:Nevermind, it's not important.  
  
Milly:Uhhh, okay.   
  
And now back to our regularly scheduled plot (or lack thereof)...  
  
Danish Wielding Man:So Mr. Redcoat, will you protect my danish?  
  
Vash:Ummm, I guess so...  
  
Danish Wielding Man:Good! Thank you Mr. Victor. My name is D. British R'Coming. (Worst gag *EVER*)  
  
Vash:Okay, Mr. R'Coming.  
  
D. B:Just call me plain ol' D. B, it makes my painfully bad gag name that much better.  
  
Vash:Uhhh...okay D. B..  
  
::Wolfwood suddenly gets up::Wolfwood:And just who are you protecting this thing from?D. B:Well, to be honest, I have an enemy who'd steal my danish from under my nose if I don't have a guardian. His name is Paul, Paul Revere.  
  
::The readers all groan at the second bad gag::  
  
Wolfwood:All right, I'm coming too!  
  
Vash:Why, do you want to take the danish away from me?  
  
Wolfwood:I don't want the stupid danish, needle-noggin'!   
  
D. B:Who said anybody could eat it in the first place?!?!  
  
Vash:I dunno...  
  
Meryl:Oh great, it looks like we have to follow him into danger again! I swear, he does this stuff on purpose to make Bernadali suffer!  
  
Milly:I don't think so, ma'am. (Yes, too lazy to look up that one too.) It just follows Vash-san around...  
  
Meryl:Well, here we go again! ::Stands up quickly:: Milly and I are going too!  
  
Vash:Oh, great.   
  
D. B:Great! I got four guardians here! All righty then, let's go to my danish headquarters and we'll secure this from Paul!  
  
Vash-tachi:Uhhh, okay.  
  
::The poorly named danish wielding man and the Trigun crew all go to the HQ of said poorly named man::  
  
And now for something completely different...  
  
Zazie:I am not a beast, I'm a human being man, a human being!  
  
::I forgot to mention that Zazie was locked in a cage and was being ogled by children::  
  
Child A:Look at the monkey mommy! Isn't he pretty?  
  
Child B:I'd feed him daddy, but the sign says not too!  
  
Zazie:I hate children! ::Growls::  
  
And now we return to our regular plot...  
  
::D. B and his newly formed 'posse' arrive at his danish headquarters, which is a small building with a small green logo of a women on it. Upon closer inspection, the word 'Starbucks' can be made out::  
  
Milly: ::Reading the small print:: What's...Starbucks?  
  
D. B:Oh, don't worry about that! C'mon in old chaps! ::Leads Vash-tachi into the headquarters a.k.a. Starbucks coffee house. And yes, I know I sorta took it from Austin Powers 2, but deal with it!::  
  
::Vash (and friends) find themselves in a coffee house::D. B:Welcome to 'The Super Deluxe Danish Headquarters *AND* Coffee House!'   
  
Milly:Hey! That cup said they made coffee a billion iles away! But...they could buy it from here and it's only about twenty yarz away!  
  
D. B: ::Gasps:: Don't say that! TAKE IT BACK!  
  
Milly: ::Sweatdrops:: Uhhh gomen nasai British-san.  
  
D. B:Just call me D. B!  
  
Milly:Errr, okay D. B-san.  
  
D. B: ::Sighs:: Nevermind.  
  
Vash:So uhhh, why are we here anyway?D. B:Oh, easy! I just wanna put my danish on the counter and get myself a drink at Ye Old Local Bar (tm). You guys have to guard my prize danish from that evil Revere! Okay? ::Puts his danish on said counter:: I'll be right back guys! ::Goes to Ye Old Local Bar (tm) to have himself a drink::  
  
Meryl: ::Blinks:: I don't see how this is the least bit important Vash!Vash:Don't you see what's at stake here Meryl? It's a big danish, Meryl, a big danish!  
  
Wolfwood:You'd get yourself killed over a stupid danish? You're too reckless, Vash!  
  
Vash:It's not just *any* old danish Wolfwood, ::Goes super-deformed:: it's a *BIG* one!   
  
Wolfwood: ::Sweatdrops::  
  
::Suddenly, a man in a blue outfit bursts into the headquarters. He does a perfect impression of George Washington in that picture of him crossing the Delaware by raising his finger in air...dramatically. Hey, I gotta keep the running (bad) gag going, don't I?::  
  
Milly:Who are you?  
  
Man:My name is Paul Revere of the Danish Liberation Corps! I am here to save the danish!  
  
Meryl:Save the...  
  
Vash:...danish? But, D. B told us that you were the one who was trying to *steal* the danish!  
  
Paul:No my friend! D. B is mistaken! I am not a petty thief like him!  
  
Vash:Huh? Oi, this is really confusing me.  
  
Wolfwood:Me too. You know, this has got to be one of the most farfetched episodes we ever did.  
  
Vash:Yeah, really!  
  
Paul:Yes, that is right! D. B is a petty thief! He was the one that stole the danish from the National Danish Bank! In fact, his real name isn't even D. B!  
  
Milly:It's not?  
  
Paul:NO! It's Benedict, Benedict Arnold. (Of course!) He is a wanted man with a twenty thousand double dollar reward on his head!  
  
Vash:Seriously, we don't even have a plot this time. This is one crazy episode.  
  
Wolfwood:I hear ya.  
  
Meryl:Will you guys pay attention?  
  
Wolfwood:Okay, okay.  
  
Vash:Riiiight, bad guy stole big danish. Got it.  
  
Paul:That's right! ::Spots the danish:: Ah! There it is! This is the Golden Danish, you know! It's worth a lot of water and money! We have to return it to the National Danish Bank!  
  
Milly:All we have to do is take it there, right?  
  
Paul:Yes! And we have to capture Benedict so he doesn't do this again!  
  
Vash:Riiiight.  
  
And now for something completely different...  
  
Vash:Okay, this story makes no sense at all! Have no fear though, Detective Vash is on the case! ::Pulls out a magnifying glass from hammerspace::Meryl:Will you cut that out?  
  
Vash:Okay!   
  
And now back to our regularly scheduled plotless story...  
  
Paul:So ummm yeah, I'll just be taking that danish. ::Starts walking towards the big ol' danish::  
  
Meryl: ::Steps in front of Paul:: We're going to come with you!  
  
Paul:Fine, whatever. ::Walks around Meryl and picks up the Golden Danish:: All righty, let's go to the National Danish Bank everybody! ::Walks out with the danish and everybody follows behind. You know, I don't think I used the word 'danish' enough in that last sentence, so I'll say it some more. Danish, danish, danish. There ya go::  
  
Milly:Ummm, why would there be a bank that holds danishs ma'am?  
  
Meryl:I ummm...I dunno Milly.   
  
Paul: ::Answers Milly's question:: You see Milly, here in this town, Bakeryville, danishs are worth much more than a double dollar is! Too us simple folks out here, danishs are like gold!!!  
  
Wolfwood:Riiiight.   
  
Vash:That's pretty interesting you know, say, are donuts worth much 'round these parts?  
  
Paul: ::Gasps:: *Donuts?* NO! Donuts are like that there Fool's Gold to us, they're WORTHLESS!  
  
Vash:Uhhh...okay. I should've known!  
  
::Okay so, after all of this pointless conversing here...nothing really happened. Well people, I'm gonna change all that! I'll make something happen, just you see! *Ahem.* Right, so like, the group arrived at the bank, while Benedict (a.k.a 'D. B') was still drinking at Ye Old Local Bar (tm)::  
  
::The National Danish Bank is made completely of baked goods, which kinda smell bad considering the constant heat that beats down on them. Okay, okay, so it's a bad version of the Ginger Bread House I concocted here. Geez people, it's just a fic! Simmer down now! ^_^::  
  
Vash:Ummmm, is it really a good idea to make a bank out of baked goods?  
  
Paul:YES! ::Blinks:: Oh wait, I suppose it's like making a bank out of double dollars...  
  
Vash:Yeah, but you can eat the baked goods....  
  
Paul:True...but why would you want to?  
  
Vash:Because they taste good!  
  
Meryl:Ummm, are you two done yet?  
  
Paul:Well I'm done!  
  
Vash:Yeah, me too!  
  
::Anyway, the Man with the Golden Danish (which is *so* not a rip-off of a similar sounding James Bond title) goes into the bank and deposits, if one could do such things with danishs, it inside. Then, Paul comes back out. Now that I bored you with detail...let's move on::  
  
Wolfwood:Okay, so, are we going to get this Benedict guy or what?  
  
Paul:Yeah, yeah, yeah! Let's go guys, onward! We'll capture Benedict at Ye Old Local Bar (tm) once and for all!  
  
::With that little declaration made, the group rides off into the sunset (well, not really) to that much talked about Local Bar::  
  
And now for something completely different...  
  
Legato:When I need a nice drink, I come to the local bar in Bakeryville!  
  
::I probably forgot to mention that Legato was doing a commercial, didn't I? Whoopsies, it must've slipped my mind. Silly me!::  
  
Legato:Now then, back to my plan to capture Vash the Stampede for Knives-sama. Hahahahaha!  
  
We now return to our regularly scheduled random Trigun story...  
  
::Vash-tachi and friend (not by choice, mind you) arrive at Ye Old Local Bar (tm) after that brief and pointless attempt at humor::  
  
Vash: ::Using a Western type accident:: Well here we are partner.  
  
Milly:Vash-san, aren't you supposed to say that once we get inside?  
  
Vash: ::Blinks:: Oh yeah, right!  
  
Paul:Uhhhh, okay. Is everybody ready to ruuuuumble?  
  
Vash:Can't we avoid a fight Paul?  
  
Paul:Probably, considering this is a humor fic...  
  
Wolfwood: ::Throws a cigarette (which he was smoking off-screen, I suppose) to the ground and stamps it out with his feet...not that that needed to be done:: No wonder why this is so weird. Well, whatever, let's just get this show on the road!Paul:Okay! Are you two girls ready too?  
  
Milly:I guess so Paul-san...  
  
Meryl:Yeah, let's do this!  
  
Paul:Okay, ::In a very Mario-type accent:: here we go!  
  
::With that accent finished (PLEASE DON'T SUE ME NINTENDO!!!!) *ahem,* excuse me. As I was saying, with that accent finished and stuff....the Party of Five (DON'T SUE ME WB!!!! ^^;;;) rushed into Ye Old Local Bar (tm)::  
  
::To the surprise of all the Trigun characters, but not to Paul, there was only *one* patron to this bar (Benedict). The only other person there, besides them of course, was the bartender who had a big name tag on his shirt that said, "My name is Steve and I'm only six and a half years old!"::  
  
Vash: ::Sweatdrops:: This doesn't even make sense....  
  
Paul: ::Ignores Vash:: AH-HA! I HAVE FOUND YOU BENEDICT!  
  
Benedict (D. B):What what what? Oh no, you have found me Paul! No, where are my crack team of guards I hired as...well, guards?  
  
Wolfwood:Right here...  
  
Benedict: ::Gasps:: You have betrayed me?  
  
Meryl:Not really, you see...we have *no* clue what the heck is going on.  
  
Benedict:Well, let me tell you...  
  
::Before Benedict could make some story up or something, Paul shoots him in the head with a musket he pulled out of no where::Paul:That'll teach ya to turn against America!  
  
Vash:Hey, it's not right to kill!   
  
Paul: ::Grunts:: I didn't kill him! He's an android, so he really wasn't living in the first place!  
Milly:When did *that* happen?  
  
Meryl:Furthermore, who saw *that* coming?  
  
Vash:Ummmm...okay? ::Looks confused:: I'm confused, as previously indicated.  
  
Wolfwood:Yeah, me too. What did you mean when you said that thing about turning against America?  
  
Paul:Ummmm....I dunno.  
  
Wolfwood: ::Sweatdrops:: How can you not know?Paul:Dude, I don't know! Geez! Remember the Alamo, you weirdo!  
  
Vash:Ummmm, hey guys, let's just go to the next town now.  
  
Meryl:Hmmmm, that sounds like a plan to me.  
  
Wolfwood:Sounds good to me!  
  
Milly:Let's go minna-san!  
  
::And with that done, Vash-tachi all leave the strange lil' slice of fanfic universe and go off to bigger, but probably not better, places. Also, it is reported that Paul was clinically insane and he was put into the Bakeryville Insane Asylum for life, he ate himself out of the asylum soon after, because it too was made of baked goods. As for Benedict, well....he died. Also, Zazie was still in a zoo, Legato decided to make another commercial for Ye Old Local Bar (tm), and said bar started making tons of money. This sadly can only mean one thing...::  
  
***OWARI***  
  
And thus ends my first Trigun humor fic, and all you Trigun fans get a taste of the Majin humor (scary, isn't it?) There should be more exciting, plotless, completely random (and hopefully funny) Trigun fics to come! Until next time, see ya! Oh and be kind and rewind...or review, whatever floats your boat. Oh, and if I spelt Zazie's name wrong...feel free to complain... 


End file.
